My Alopecia Story

So, why am I bald? What is it like to be bald? How long have I been bald? I have been completely bald for twenty years. I have a condition known as Alopecia. When I was 9 years old I started losing my hair in circular patches the size of quarters. It was a bit crazy considering I thought it was due to my gerbil biting me!  But in actuality it was Alopecia which is categorized as an autoimmune disorder. What that basically means to me is I have a misguided immune system. Something in my body is telling it that my hair is trying to attack it so it gets rid of it to protect me. I know…how bizarre! That would be a great thing if it was something that could kill me! It is thought to be brought on by severe stress. I had lost my grandmother a year before, maybe that was the trigger. Who knows. I could spend a lot of energy on trying to figure out the “why” but that seems irrelevant.  

Anyway, back to 9 year old Jacqui. My mother and sister spent many hours trying to comb over my hair into a barrette to hide the effects.  After 100 shots of steroids directly in my head (don’t even ask about the fear I had for decades of needles) and “special” shampoo, it seemed to go away. My glorious, thick, curley head of hair came back. It stayed that way until I was 35 years old. 

I was out on the National Tour of Miss Saigon when the condition returned. As the character Ellen I used my own hair. I started noticing that my lap was filling up with hair as I prepared for the show. It became progressively difficult to hide the problem of bald spots once again. The supervisor of the wig department and I had a long standing relationship from back in Les Miserables days. She ordered me a wig. At a later date she confessed that she had only done so “to make me feel better” because she didn’t “think I would lose all my hair.” 

In three months time, right when the tour landed in Honolulu of all places, I was in the wig. Another actor commented that I was having “a really bad hair day.” Only my costar really knew what was happening. I slowly started explaining to people what was happening to me. Over the course of the next month, I started losing my hair all over my body. Back then I was struggling with trying to appreciate that I wasn’t ”sick,” and that it could be worse. This went on for about a year.  I remember one day in particular when I returned as Fantine in Les Miserables on Broadway.  I had gone to another doctor who had NO bedside manner.  He very bluntly told me I should get used to the idea that I would be bald forever.  I actually called in sick to the show that night.  I could barely breathe.  Fondly, I remember it was one of my best friends, Sarah Uriarte Berry who reassured me…”Yeah, I get that you are trying to stay positive because the baldness could be from cancer, but it still sucks.”  That really helped me — just to allow myself to feel the grief. What a great lesson to learn, you really can’t avoid your emotions, especially when you are using them nightly as an actor. 

I didn’t stay that depressed for long. Fairly quickly I started re-examining what I thought made me unique. It’s hard to understand. I had gorgeous hair. I identified my beauty, worth, and womanhood with my hair. At this time It became clear to me that I needed to re-evaluate in order to move forward. I came to the conclusion that I was an empathetic, dedicated, and kind person and losing my hair didn’t change any of that. So, not such a bad take away from a bad situation. For decades I have been trying to encourage the people I encounter in my life. Specifically for the past 4 years I have been extending these traits in my teaching. Yes I teach technique, acting and audition coaching — all useful skills gleaned from decades of performing. But it is in helping students see the best in themselves, develop confidence, discipline, and value their own worth that brings me the most joy. These are all traits that can apply to anything in life.

Believe in yourself!

Jacqui

xo